The Cast (alphabetical)
R. Baker (Nelly, Lumpy)
Quiet, refrained member of the society, with shares in the Cuban cigar trade. Sleeping with Dessaur quite literally, waking up at 4 a.m. both in the same small single, jury still out, after much talk of knocking the back doors in. Defence claims a wrong turn out of the en-suite and that lefts and rights were misunderstood. Highly entertaining on course, with monstrous hitting: Many treats perhaps relieving a roof of a tile on the 9th the highlight. Unlucky not to have back to back eagles: driving 18 & hitting the long first in 2, both finishing 10 foot away.
R. Daft.
Team Captain of the aptly titled ‘Right Hacks’: for the team’s footballing outlook. Confirmed by room mate Ladd, that none of weekends Premiership goals would have been scored as they would have been grounded well before the trigger was pulled. Joined the pre game beach strollers and kept the fruit machine fraternity happy. An excellent golf game that appeared to hold up under the influence, and staved off some challenges in the early to bed stakes.
W. Dessaur (Woz, Warren, Max, Dessy, Marcel)
Streaked the best turned out with a sharp combo of knitwear, diamonds and roll necks. All round entertainer and livewire on and off the course. Big hit with new ‘lazer’ putting technique and scooped a last hole team win against Vin with a pressure two putt in front of an intimidating 18th crowd. Left clubs outside overnight; in process of shelling out £400 for a new set when bar staff came to the rescue, also lost jacket and disoriented after top to tailing with Bobby. Hit with the ladies and bridge builder with the teaching and knuckle dragging fraternity. Late for dinner borrowing an iron and accompanying board. White wine connoisseur and part of the Skeg reconnaissance mission. Too many to mention!
M. Hall
New comer with lots of gear. Partial to a tight sweater, high waisted slacks and bottles of Becks. Will improve with practice, although may be barred from North Shore after peppering the conservatory with a full blooded 8 iron on 18 from 80 yards. Scooped the acclaimed ‘Dross of the Moss’ award but finished on a high with a par in front of the gallery. Naively joined a 2 hour ‘livener’ to Skeg, with Dessaur, Hoenigmann and the bros, reportedly quoted at saying it would have been better to have sent them on their way with a 100 notes and leave them be!
M. Hefter (Stats)
Golf game immaculate but a distant second to a delightful array of golf wear, the matching pink jumper and shirt combo a definite highlight. A big mover in the Gin Cartel and ever steady with the black stuff. Found second shot on the 9th embedded deeply into an oak, left as a mark of respect. Ran Lacey close to the weekend challenge, but must rue one point in his final 2 holes. Handicap reduction. No Soiling. Rumoured to be on call Sunday night.
G. Hellier
Already in Tollerton folklore, confirmed status by inconsistent and high entertaining antics on the course. Accustomed to giving everything the kitchen sink. Owner of a jigger. Managed to hit a random pedestrian called ‘Kev’ before informing his partners to run for it. Insured for 2.5 million and offered to claim a near Horsburgh hole in one, to be entitled to a £300 bar tab! Proud team captain of the winning 4, although professed to most of it being in a non-playing capacity. Very comfortable propped at the bar with a bar stool. Quoted as bemused to feeling a little jaded after not drinking that much! Although look no closer than the ‘North’ Seafood medley. Rumoured to have a unique alarm call: coughs and hacks. Took 4 out of a fairway bunker on day 1, hole 1. Partial to a reload.
C. Hepburn (Heppers, Bangles, Bagpuss)
Regained tag of successful bookmaker, creating odds for anything that moved. Comfortable after dinner speaker with a flamboyant manner. Possession of an immaculately well stocked golf bag, trademark pino colada, gin and tonic and wine a necessity. Trailing by one in the overall standings with 9 to play before going off the rails. At home in Pringle golf wear and comfortable with a cigar. A big hitter in the bar, and reason for a shortage of gin. Turned down Day 2 breakfast in favour of restocking golf bag with alcohol.
M. Hoenigmann (Mikey, Hoenigma)
Golfing novice, professional socialite, token Scot. Finished strongly with best ever 9 holes. Only man to hit every bunker and tree, but remained with a smile on his face. Ditched the offer of a buggy on ‘team Sunday’, wavered rights and removed bag on hole 5 to Bob’s dismay. Confessed to having 26 Jack Daniels too many on evening 2 and owns a fantastic smile for the cameras. Big consumer in the Skeg party setting a constant pace with Vin. Hands down winner of ‘Last Man Standing’ and team bridge builder. Lost handsomely in a no win opposition card game and nicknamed a Blidworth lad as ‘fatty’. Sparked a song from one eyed Willy: ‘We pish on your fish – yes we dooooo’, before replying ‘You fish on your pish – yes you doooo’. Picked up some ‘blue’ ‘Bluetooth’s’ and was dressed at dinner by a waitress.
J. Horsburgh (Horsey, Matty)
Game in tatters, featured the highest odds of the weekend with chances drifting to 1500-1. Heavily backed at 16-1 to win his four-ball, but didn’t disappoint the resident bookie. Stomach faired slightly worse: breakfast ordered on day 3, but last seen searching for solace in the fresh air as the black pudding was being applied. Pivotal figure in the Gin Cartel, pre dinner session clearing bar of Gin, Tonic and Ice! Struggled off the tee but coined the phrase ‘that was a bit matty.’ Very close to an ace.
R. Horsburgh (Bob)
Made the weekend possible, and kindly purchased wine for the evening meal. Contributed 3 very consistent days of golf, finishing handily placed. Hit his own parked golf cart from 20 yards before megging Hoenigmann in the same motion. A huge hit in the bar and dropped trousers for the local females, before being sternly reprimanded. Entertained with the whereabouts of Horsburgh castle that has one window, and an excellent foil for Phoenix.
M. Lacey (Zeb)
Welcome addition and top man to have on board. Top golfer of the weekend with exceptionally consistent play to scoop the bookies challenge by 3 shots. Regained composure after a shaky run up the stretch. Runs well on J2O and fined for the biggest watch of the weekend. Sailed longest drive over Vin’s head and owner of a Johnny Miller wooden taped up 4 Wood. Hit clubhouse with a fiery second on 9.
C. Ladd (Terrine, Repton, Alan Partridge, Chrisss)
Tallest golfer in Skeg and longest levers. Hampered by involuntary bowel movements and big winner in the early to bed stakes. Golf ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous. Inaugural away day champion (Friday’s winner) but equally spotted swishing at bag with weight of the world on his broad shoulders. Hit a moving vehicle on day 2. Large drive and partial to Collis Brown. A waitress’s nightmare, with most dishes being returned with dissatisfaction, especially the sponge. Managed to hit a drive under the matt of Horsey from an elevated position. Danger to other players unless they were on the green. Part of the pre-game beach strollers.
S. Phoenix (Bim)
One man entertainments officer, frequently heard laughing on most tees. Largest bag of impressions and all round livewire. Longest leave of the weekend: 1h30 after first good night. Key player in the Gin group. At ease recounting stories and a solid golf game: finishing third in the overall stakes, and part of the winning team. (Can’t do the man justice with more tales than you can shake a stick at, please assist)
A. Tuckwell
Struggling with game but produced a stormer and low round (79) of the weekend to impressively sneak the ‘seeds’ game. Re-ignited the punters hopes with thoughts of a revival and backed heavily before fading. A regular in the bar despite 5.30 starts, and polished off a Jameson’s bottle on day 2. Called the Hall shot on 18, and was last seen throwing his ball towards the green on the same hole after floundering in a fairway bunker.
R. Baker (Nelly, Lumpy)
Quiet, refrained member of the society, with shares in the Cuban cigar trade. Sleeping with Dessaur quite literally, waking up at 4 a.m. both in the same small single, jury still out, after much talk of knocking the back doors in. Defence claims a wrong turn out of the en-suite and that lefts and rights were misunderstood. Highly entertaining on course, with monstrous hitting: Many treats perhaps relieving a roof of a tile on the 9th the highlight. Unlucky not to have back to back eagles: driving 18 & hitting the long first in 2, both finishing 10 foot away.
R. Daft.
Team Captain of the aptly titled ‘Right Hacks’: for the team’s footballing outlook. Confirmed by room mate Ladd, that none of weekends Premiership goals would have been scored as they would have been grounded well before the trigger was pulled. Joined the pre game beach strollers and kept the fruit machine fraternity happy. An excellent golf game that appeared to hold up under the influence, and staved off some challenges in the early to bed stakes.
W. Dessaur (Woz, Warren, Max, Dessy, Marcel)
Streaked the best turned out with a sharp combo of knitwear, diamonds and roll necks. All round entertainer and livewire on and off the course. Big hit with new ‘lazer’ putting technique and scooped a last hole team win against Vin with a pressure two putt in front of an intimidating 18th crowd. Left clubs outside overnight; in process of shelling out £400 for a new set when bar staff came to the rescue, also lost jacket and disoriented after top to tailing with Bobby. Hit with the ladies and bridge builder with the teaching and knuckle dragging fraternity. Late for dinner borrowing an iron and accompanying board. White wine connoisseur and part of the Skeg reconnaissance mission. Too many to mention!
M. Hall
New comer with lots of gear. Partial to a tight sweater, high waisted slacks and bottles of Becks. Will improve with practice, although may be barred from North Shore after peppering the conservatory with a full blooded 8 iron on 18 from 80 yards. Scooped the acclaimed ‘Dross of the Moss’ award but finished on a high with a par in front of the gallery. Naively joined a 2 hour ‘livener’ to Skeg, with Dessaur, Hoenigmann and the bros, reportedly quoted at saying it would have been better to have sent them on their way with a 100 notes and leave them be!
M. Hefter (Stats)
Golf game immaculate but a distant second to a delightful array of golf wear, the matching pink jumper and shirt combo a definite highlight. A big mover in the Gin Cartel and ever steady with the black stuff. Found second shot on the 9th embedded deeply into an oak, left as a mark of respect. Ran Lacey close to the weekend challenge, but must rue one point in his final 2 holes. Handicap reduction. No Soiling. Rumoured to be on call Sunday night.
G. Hellier
Already in Tollerton folklore, confirmed status by inconsistent and high entertaining antics on the course. Accustomed to giving everything the kitchen sink. Owner of a jigger. Managed to hit a random pedestrian called ‘Kev’ before informing his partners to run for it. Insured for 2.5 million and offered to claim a near Horsburgh hole in one, to be entitled to a £300 bar tab! Proud team captain of the winning 4, although professed to most of it being in a non-playing capacity. Very comfortable propped at the bar with a bar stool. Quoted as bemused to feeling a little jaded after not drinking that much! Although look no closer than the ‘North’ Seafood medley. Rumoured to have a unique alarm call: coughs and hacks. Took 4 out of a fairway bunker on day 1, hole 1. Partial to a reload.
C. Hepburn (Heppers, Bangles, Bagpuss)
Regained tag of successful bookmaker, creating odds for anything that moved. Comfortable after dinner speaker with a flamboyant manner. Possession of an immaculately well stocked golf bag, trademark pino colada, gin and tonic and wine a necessity. Trailing by one in the overall standings with 9 to play before going off the rails. At home in Pringle golf wear and comfortable with a cigar. A big hitter in the bar, and reason for a shortage of gin. Turned down Day 2 breakfast in favour of restocking golf bag with alcohol.
M. Hoenigmann (Mikey, Hoenigma)
Golfing novice, professional socialite, token Scot. Finished strongly with best ever 9 holes. Only man to hit every bunker and tree, but remained with a smile on his face. Ditched the offer of a buggy on ‘team Sunday’, wavered rights and removed bag on hole 5 to Bob’s dismay. Confessed to having 26 Jack Daniels too many on evening 2 and owns a fantastic smile for the cameras. Big consumer in the Skeg party setting a constant pace with Vin. Hands down winner of ‘Last Man Standing’ and team bridge builder. Lost handsomely in a no win opposition card game and nicknamed a Blidworth lad as ‘fatty’. Sparked a song from one eyed Willy: ‘We pish on your fish – yes we dooooo’, before replying ‘You fish on your pish – yes you doooo’. Picked up some ‘blue’ ‘Bluetooth’s’ and was dressed at dinner by a waitress.
J. Horsburgh (Horsey, Matty)
Game in tatters, featured the highest odds of the weekend with chances drifting to 1500-1. Heavily backed at 16-1 to win his four-ball, but didn’t disappoint the resident bookie. Stomach faired slightly worse: breakfast ordered on day 3, but last seen searching for solace in the fresh air as the black pudding was being applied. Pivotal figure in the Gin Cartel, pre dinner session clearing bar of Gin, Tonic and Ice! Struggled off the tee but coined the phrase ‘that was a bit matty.’ Very close to an ace.
R. Horsburgh (Bob)
Made the weekend possible, and kindly purchased wine for the evening meal. Contributed 3 very consistent days of golf, finishing handily placed. Hit his own parked golf cart from 20 yards before megging Hoenigmann in the same motion. A huge hit in the bar and dropped trousers for the local females, before being sternly reprimanded. Entertained with the whereabouts of Horsburgh castle that has one window, and an excellent foil for Phoenix.
M. Lacey (Zeb)
Welcome addition and top man to have on board. Top golfer of the weekend with exceptionally consistent play to scoop the bookies challenge by 3 shots. Regained composure after a shaky run up the stretch. Runs well on J2O and fined for the biggest watch of the weekend. Sailed longest drive over Vin’s head and owner of a Johnny Miller wooden taped up 4 Wood. Hit clubhouse with a fiery second on 9.
C. Ladd (Terrine, Repton, Alan Partridge, Chrisss)
Tallest golfer in Skeg and longest levers. Hampered by involuntary bowel movements and big winner in the early to bed stakes. Golf ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous. Inaugural away day champion (Friday’s winner) but equally spotted swishing at bag with weight of the world on his broad shoulders. Hit a moving vehicle on day 2. Large drive and partial to Collis Brown. A waitress’s nightmare, with most dishes being returned with dissatisfaction, especially the sponge. Managed to hit a drive under the matt of Horsey from an elevated position. Danger to other players unless they were on the green. Part of the pre-game beach strollers.
S. Phoenix (Bim)
One man entertainments officer, frequently heard laughing on most tees. Largest bag of impressions and all round livewire. Longest leave of the weekend: 1h30 after first good night. Key player in the Gin group. At ease recounting stories and a solid golf game: finishing third in the overall stakes, and part of the winning team. (Can’t do the man justice with more tales than you can shake a stick at, please assist)
A. Tuckwell
Struggling with game but produced a stormer and low round (79) of the weekend to impressively sneak the ‘seeds’ game. Re-ignited the punters hopes with thoughts of a revival and backed heavily before fading. A regular in the bar despite 5.30 starts, and polished off a Jameson’s bottle on day 2. Called the Hall shot on 18, and was last seen throwing his ball towards the green on the same hole after floundering in a fairway bunker.
N. Tuckwell (Vin)
Well travelled member of the society with the ability to eat a small farm. Juggling 3 jobs accounted for an early to bed on day 1, but responded with a relentless day 2 super session. Ran Hall closes for Dross of the Moss but unfortunate not to tie with Dessaur on the ‘Day of the Seeds’. Unrivalled best turned out on Day 2: pink, chino/visor combination. Forgot golf shoes and often quoted as being ‘hot’. Doubled previous 9 hole score in 3 holes on day 1. Key member in the Skeg outing, managing to fire in a shot with Hoenigman whilst waiting 2 minutes for a taxi.
S. Tuckwell
Errant and favourite for the most ‘fore’ shouts. Thrice seen having a ‘meltdown’ around the turn, one resulting in a ball being sailed handsomely down the road on 9. Spectacularly hit a fairway 3 away from the one he was playing and somehow hit the 1st fairway off the 18th. Also spotted beach combing on 5 and reloading. Part of the ‘Skeg drinking Rekky’ and pre-game beach stroll. Pushed Hoenigmann in the last man standing stakes and gave a good ten penneth in a rival card school. Left strange answer phone message and close in the roughest at breakfast award.
