Doctor, Doctor...

I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No I really did…
I feel like a £10 note. Go shopping; the change will do you good…
Can I have a second opinion? Of course, come back tomorrow…
I feel like a pair of curtains. Pull yourself together…

Inspired weather and a full house for the Melton Open, no troubles directionally and all on time without one S.O.S phone call. Baker’s initial panic put to rest: The white out of bounds markers tight up the right of first giving the impression of not much room proved a false dawn. The pressure for applying a society rule that white stakes don’t count was over ruled!

Luck of the draw pitted Frame, Horsburgh Jnr and Tuckwell Snr together, the latter fresh from the Plough, usually a sure sign to watch this space. 3 was the magic number for Frame, An opening nett birdie, followed by three consecutive abstainers, and a duo of 3 pointers, to finish the 9. A.T. couldn’t find a par for love nor money but registered on each hole, while the metronome eased into a one stroke half way lead, with the usual steady brand of golf. A mixed bag saw Horsburgh consolidate, while A.T. finally ‘parred’ on 15. A birdie up 17 set up the unlikely target of 30 points, although the court is still in session as to the manner of the no score up 18… A quadruple nett birdie blitz saw Frame comfortably home.

Daft, fresh from Cape Verde, Baker Snr and Hefter, looking to post a big one, were next up. Baker Snr, quickly into his stride with 8 points in 3 holes, with some lusty blows and deft touches. Daft, still nurturing the sunburn, found the going uncomfortable as Hefter looked to find the answers on the short stuff after the last outing. Hefter by 2 at the turn. Daft found some disjointed rhythm slipping in some promising holes but achieving the second best option of the day: bumping the handicap up by one. Hefter couldn’t continue the solid form and trailed off despite a relatively strong finish. It was left to ‘the power’ to secure the status of the groups’ main man, with a tasty 2 pointer up the last.

Hepburn and Baker Jnr were accompanied in body not mind by a still alcohol fuelled Hoenigmann. The taxi rolled in at 4.30, the memory recalling until 12.30. Unsurprisingly getting to the green proved difficult. On the green a different prospect altogether: Hoenigmann clearly having a good eye for the ‘hole’ Putts reining with such force and brutality that Baker had ‘999’ at the ready. Baker, with the first TGS outing since surgery decided to use all his shots in the opening 9 holes and see what was left in the tank. Hepburn consolidated after a nervy opening as news that Thacker wouldn’t be traveling finally filtered through. Hoenigmann somehow gained composure and took pole with a determined showing up the 9th: Titled ‘Beaver’s Folly’ may have been the answer. A resolute rear end for Hepburn will have boosted confidence as Hoenigmann played out the remainder in mind but lacking in body! Baker stepped on the throttle with an explosive passage of play, usually in the locker somewhere, returning 2 over par and with an impressive 22 points.

Dennis (Hoenigmann’s late accomplice, but fearing slightly better) and Hall were joined by Doc Brown and Radford (previously Rymer II). Hall, either hit or miss, was swinging nicely but the ‘TGS low’ devil appeared to be perched on the shoulder early doors proving rather inhibiting. Dennis, with title aspirations, started solidly but couldn’t kick on as the big man, Radford, stuck to his guns and hit some powerful sliders off the tee: 6 points in the opening 2, a solid platform. Brown, in the midst of a putting crisis, unveiled the new ‘odyssey wand’ the tangerine grip a firm favourite with the old footballing faithful. A masterstroke: clearly at home with a very tidy showing on the short stuff, 19 points, and the lead by 5. A bumper 9 point, 3 holes showing, raised hopes for Dennis, before settling for Dafty’s option of a shot returned and the prospect of a big finish at Cotgrave. Hall limped past the low as Radford finished with a beauty up the last, nett eagle and smiles all round. It was left to Brown, to stitch up proceedings with some neat incisions, dissecting the fairways and proved the swing was operating well under pressure. Birdie followed by double caused the pulse rate to rise, before returning to a stable condition. A fine nett birdie up 9 saw him safely through a 4 hour ordeal!

Twins, Dean and Horsburgh Snr, were accompanied by Tuckwell Jnr and a very well turned out Meadows, fresh from a round at Stanton. Horsburgh had some ‘tete’ problems before finally going on the offensive. Tuckwell started positively, a loose tee shot on 4 the only cause for concern. Dean was once again giving a free lesson on the putting surface as Meadows did likewise with the 2 iron. Tuckwell by one in a tight opening 9. Dean jumped on board the bogey train and appeared to stall at the inter section as Horsburgh completed another solid round: The success off the tee shot directly linked to the type of tee used. Tuckwell fell off the pace and fell into a ditch, trying for an up and over recovery shot, unfortunately clocked by the group in front. Meadows reached for the driver and delivered some accurate arrows but lost all touch on the greens. With the sun settling on the righteous, Tuckwell and Horsburgh both used Dean’s ball beneficially to finish strongly.

Brown (35) made a triumphant return to the fold after a 7 game absence with some sharp shooting, to scoop his maiden tour win. Frame (34) quietly went about his business (surely a contradiction!) for the silver medal followed by Baker Jnr (33) with an all singing and dancing back 9. A whole host of ‘could have beens’ a couple of shots further adrift.